Awake just after 6 a.m.

Feeling too full of emotion

To start the day with anything but prayer

Allowing my journal to remain blank for awhile

Pouring my heart out to God

A little while later I bring out my camera

My wide angle lens captures the beach

The ducks

The sunshine reflecting off the water

But I am drawn to the blooming lily

Pale peach and lovely

It epitomizes a peace I do not feel

I realize I have the wrong lens for this kind of shot

It cannot quite capture the essence of the flower

The delicacy that draws me to its petals

The things I journaled today are mostly between me and God

Too raw and honest to share with others

Prewriting for what I am writing now

I am several days behind meditating on the fruit of the Spirit

I have only made it as far as peace

And yet peace seems far away

Like a land I yearn to visit

But cannot reach

Like Narnia or Middle Earth

I can imagine it but cannot reach it

Why is peace so elusive at times?

My dominant emotions so often turning to disappointment, fear, and shame

Rather than to peace and trust

Seeking the easy solace of sugar

Which only compounds feelings of regret

Why is it so easy to see the fruit of the Spirit in others

But not in myself?

I feel inadequate so often

So much easier to believe what my enemies think about me

Than my friends

Than my God

I try and take a photo of the closed tiger lily

There are only a few of them left blooming

It will open as the day grows bright and warmer

But the thin flower evades my lens

The autofocus choosing to hone in on the green grass behind

So much more of that to see

The flower is there but virtually disappears

Finally I step back and regain the focus

Getting a clear shot of the flower

It strikes me that this is a metaphor for a lack of peace

Choosing to focus on the wrong things

Missing the flower altogether

So easy to live in the before and the not yet

Instead of in the now

Under the heavy cloud of the past

The disappointments, regrets, and injustices

Fearing the future

How do I let go of the past?

How do I not fear the future?

How do I have peace in the present?

The wind whispers his name

Jesus

But it seems too simple an answer

Jesus paid the penalty for my past mistakes

He gives me hope for the future

He holds my tears in a bottle

He restores where others destroy

He alone vindicates

There is no hidden truth from him

And he is not concerned with the things that so often hang me up

The jobs and tasks and opinions of men

No, he is concerned with my character

Who I am

Not what I do

And who I am is His

Somehow the answer to letting go of the past, not fearing the future, and trusting him in the present is

just that

His presence

Today

Here

Right now

I go back inside for my macro lens

Trying to capture the feathery light detail of each petal of the lily

The delicate colors that shift from green to yellow

To peach and to white

It is an Easter lily, I think

How appropriate

This flower I have not yet seen at the cottage

Reminds me of the empty grave

That He who conquered death

Can conquer the self-doubt and fear that cripple

So that I can laugh at the days to come

Drawing near to Him

Surrendering to Him

Trusting in his goodness

The morning glories too sing of peace this morning

Their pale barely pink blush greeting the day

They will close by the time the tiger lilies open

A gentler kind of beauty

Even the weeds are pretty in the morning light

Help me to be someone who finds beauty in small things

Who sees wonder

Where others only see weeds

Saturate me with your Spirit, Lord

Help me to choose the right lens to see through this day

Heal what is broken in me

Help me focus entirely on you

Restore my sense of wonder at the world you have made

And grant me peace