I’ve never seen the waves so still

There is almost no wind

On the lake today 

I had trouble sleeping last night

Woke up later than usual

Feeling strangely sad 

I need to pray

I feel empty today

The future seems like it is pressing in 

Unanswered prayers 

I know aren’t really unanswered

A “not yet” is not a failure to answer

My times are in His hands

So much easier to say sometimes than it is to believe

Growing older is not for the faint of heart

Micro losses assault you every week,

Sometimes every day

Your “stock” is not as valuable as it once was

Ageism a real thing

If women have to be better than men to attain an equal footing

That is even more so when you are older

You must have more energy, bring more value 

To compensate for your “lack of youth”

And I won’t even begin to think about being overweight

In a world where thin is a very real standard

I feel like I am constantly walking uphill

As women we try to age gracefully

Which I guess means not getting plastic surgery

Who has time and money for that anyway?

But it also seems to mean doing more 

And expecting less

I don’t feel like less

I feel like I have more to offer than I ever have

When my skin was tighter and my face unlined 

When my perspective was so limited

The world so much more black and white then

The truths I’ve learned in the interim have been hard won

Some years at the cottage have been filled with work

Balancing rest and all the things that must be done for the year ahead

Before my time once again is full to the brim

The “summer” always so much shorter than it seems before it starts 

And truth be told

There is work I need to do

But my heart isn’t in it

Like this still lake

I am having trouble getting started

Several afternoons already filled with watercolor and doodling

Learning the art of zentangle

Each line slowly untangling the knot in my stomach

This year has been hard

It left me feeling bruised 

A little battered

Wondering what God was doing

Questioning my value

Trying to meet everyone’s expectations

And failing

There are only 16 hours in a day 

Give or take

Often I can sleep for only 5 or 6

Stretching that to 18 or even 19

Like a duck 

Paddling fiercely beneath the surface

Giving the illusion I am standing still

Floating serenely on the surface

I think of one of my favorite 80s movies

The 80s had the best movies

War Games

The original AI

“The only way to win is not to play”

So I sit in the stillness

Palms up

Remembering

The Christian life not a race

So much as an act of surrender

My value not found in my age, my gender, or even my appearance

It is found solely in the One to whom I belong

I pray

Surrendering once again

Giving up the right to ask why

Giving up the right to ask when and how 

Placing my requests at the foot of the cross

And then leaving them there

Knowing only that He is good

And delights to give good gifts to his children 

And that his “not yet” is better than everyone else’s “yeses” put together

So I live in the not yet

Maybe a little bit wiser than before

Trusting people less than I did at this same time last year

But trusting God more 

Because the only way to win 

Is not to play