It is the coolest morning yet at the cottage

This fourth of July

I would love to be here off season one day

When it’s far too cold to swim

And the trees wear their autumn wardrobe

It’s not that I don’t like to swim here in the summer

I do

I’ve done it twice this year so far

The water cool and clear to the bottom

A glacier-made lake

Different from the lakes in Chattanooga

But the air is still a little cool

So it’s a colder swim here

Refreshing

But never quite comfortable

I think about that word

Comfortable

How much of my life have I spent

In want of that word

Avoiding that conversation

Or that challenging relationship altogether

Avoiding uncomfortable social situations

Tasks that I’m not already good at

Often only uncomfortable

When God allowed some massive

Shift that required it

I was uncomfortable

When I first married

And moved to the south

Jonathan my lifeline

In a world that labeled me a Yankee

I didn’t even know what that was

I was uncomfortable again

When we moved to Chattanooga

From Charlotte

A more insulated community here

Fewer transplants

The hardest thing was trying to find a church

Where we could serve

Where we could sing

Where we would feel we belonged

Harder in a place like Chattanooga

Where almost everyone you meet

Is “from here”

We landed in a large Baptist church

Much like the one we had left in Charlotte

But also entirely different

It was big with multiple services

We love the pastor

Genuine, humble, and wise

Qualities I admire even more as I get older

It was good for our kids

More so for our extroverted daughter

Seeing her baptized at Vive Camp

Was a blessing

But for our introverted son

It was often too many people, too loud

He never really fit in

And neither did I

I am not exactly a “southern woman”

The kind who loves when people just stop by

And who cooks for her family

I am a Yankee transplant

Who loves to work, to sing, to take photos

To listen to audiobooks, to write

More than content to allow my husband to do the cooking

I’m glad to wash the dishes

I know church isn’t about our preferences

It is about giving glory to God

Not serving our own tastes

In Charlotte we were involved

Jonathan served as a table leader in third grade Sunday school

And I was on the worship team

Not because I loved the spotlight at all

But because I loved the music

And musicians are my people

We care about the same things

Artists at our core

I felt lost without that community of musicians in Chatt

Completely out of place

We tried a small group but it only seemed to highlight

Our differences

The first year we were here

I wept through every song

Time passed

We bought a home

No longer in an apartment

But by then I no longer felt confident enough

To put myself out there

Risking rejection

Sometimes singing at home with Jonathan instead

Channeling my creativity into photography and a very busy life

It was easier to just sit in the dark on Sunday morning

And not talk to anyone

It was comfortable

Despite my longing for the community we had had before

Then Covid happened

And the world shut down

Churches went virtual

And it was nice for an introvert

It was even more comfortable

Church in your pajamas

10/10

Would highly recommend

Jonathan would often cook

Delicious omelettes

Sometimes making pancakes

And we would sit together on the couch

Eating eggs and watching church

Sort of like those movie theaters where you order food

And they deliver it to your seat

It felt awkward to sing in the living room

So we just listened

Eventually sometimes just tuned in for the sermon

The worship too hard a reminder

Of what we had lost when we moved

But now church felt more like entertainment than ever

More like a consumer product

Today’s sermon was 9/10

I like the pastor’s shirt

The worship leader was a little flat

Sigh

Not good at all

But I was tired from a full week

And choosing entropy seemed easier than getting ready for church

More comfortable

I believe God calls us to hard things

And uncomfortable places

Places where we can grow

Maybe we need to be in that small group

So that when the new couple comes

We can warmly welcome them

Maybe we need to find a church

Where we can once again sing in a choir

Or I can sing on a praise team

Maybe a Presbyterian church

Where they sing songs with lots of words

How I miss singing the really good stuff

Bach and Lauridsen

Thirds and fifths can get a bit tiresome

Maybe we should try a smaller campus

Our church has more than one of those

The “old people service” seems made for our parents

And the one with the crazy loud music seems made for our kids

Who apparently have experienced hearing loss

From earbud overuse

Where are you calling us, Lord? 

How big a step do we need to take?

Where have we put comfort ahead of obedience?

Maybe for now just putting on church clothes

And driving to church

Instead of watching it on YouTube

That might be a good place to start